online JOURNAL

28 March 03
I'm doing much better this week than I was last week. I've been observing my moods over the last several months, and it seems as though I am becoming susceptible to cyclic hormonal fluctuations. This has never happened to me before (or if it has, it's been much more mild and much less often than it's happening now, and I had never noticed it). Needless to say, I'm not happy about it; I thought I was immune to this sort of thing.

It's a beautiful day outside. Today is a university holiday, so I'm home relaxing and catching up on email. Sitting here at my computer I look out to my left (to the Northwest) and I can see the top halves of the Golden Gate Bridge towers, and the hills of the Marin Headlands beyond. I love having a view.

This past week has been quite nice, especially in contrast to my bout of depression just before that. Last weekend Frederick and I drove up North and spent Saturday night in Bodega Bay. Our room was on a hillside overlooking the bay and the ocean beyond. Next to the hotel grounds, and visible from our window, was a field with several cows, their calves, and a jackrabbit. Sitting in our room, we could hear occasional soft mooing combined with the barking of a sea lion from the wharf at the bottom of the hill - it made me happy.

We wanted to spoil ourselves a bit, so we had a massage therapist come to our room. Frederick and I each had an hour-long massage followed by a nice hot bath. We were left in such a state of relaxation that we didn't want to walk down to the restaurant for dinner, so instead, we ordered room service and had dinner and wine while sitting in front of the fireplace in our bathrobes. Mmmmmm.

Sunday afternoon we had a beautiful drive home down Highway 1. We got back to my place and proceeded to cuddle up on the couch with Kisa, and the three of us then had a nice nap.

Wednesday evening I met Charlotte, Stefanie and Susan for dinner at Suppenküche. Angela joined us after she got out of class. Although I see Susan on a pretty regular basis, I don't see the others nearly as often as I'd like. Years ago we all used to be part of the same social group, and we'd hang out pretty much every weekend. Now that particular group has lost much of its cohesion and we all seem to be busy with our various projects, so nights like this are great for staying in touch with one another.

Now it's time for me to go take a shower, then head down to visit with my parents for a few hours.

20 March 03
Ugh, lately I've been having a difficult time emotionally. Yesterday wasn't very good - there are several things weighing heavily on me, none of which I can control, and sometimes it begins to be too much. I've been finding myself often on the verge of tears, and sometimes a few escape.

No matter how much I tell myself that it's not my fault, that doesn't solve the problem, I still feel awful. What I need to do is keep my mind busy, because when it's not busy with something, it starts dwelling on things and that makes it worse. But sadly my job takes little brain power, and I have lots of time to think. I wish chat was more lively to keep me distracted.

CCSF has just released its summer schedule. Due to state budget cuts, the number of classes offered next semester (and probably subsequent semesters) has been cut by 40%. Most of the classes they are offering are during the day, and out of all the classes I need to take, there is only one that is offered at a time when I can take it. I've really liked school this semester and I've been looking forward to getting more into it in the future. Plus, it's a great distraction from the problems in life. But now, with so many students competing for so few classes, I'll be lucky if I can get into any.

I used to have a good job, and then the economy took a dump. I got laid off and couldn't find another job in my field. Then I decided to go back to school and change careers. Now the economy is still crap and my school plans are being thwarted. Will it ever stop?

I hope life gets better soon.

10 March 03
Phew, I just finished my English essay. It's amazing how many hours it takes to research and write a 1500 word paper. Now I'll spend a little time doing some additional research for another project we're working on in that class, then finish off with some reading for Psych class. (Speaking of, I got an "A" on my first Psych exam, yay!)

School is sucking away a lot of my time. I only have class two nights a week, but then I'm spending another two evenings doing homework. Add some time with Frederick in there, and I'm rarely getting time at home to sit and do nothing. I have recently gotten out of the habit of chatting on IRC from home since I no longer have that time to waste (but at least I still get to see people on chat during the day).

I had been wanting to start going to the gym again, but I just couldn't fit it into my schedule. But now that I'm an regular full-time employee I was join the gym at work, so I signed up last week. It's a nice gym, and it's one short block from my office. It's great - I've already been for a couple of lunchtime workouts!

2 March 03
I love being able to cook. I got home this afternoon and realized I was in the mood to make muffins. Saw a can of pumpkin in the pantry and thought pumpkin muffins sounded good. Looked in my cookbook, but there was no recipe for pumpkin muffins and I didn't feel like chasing one down on the Interweb, so I threw a bunch of ingredients in a bowl, mixed them up, scooped the mix into the muffin pan, threw that into the oven for a half hour, and voilà! Yummy pumpkin spice muffins with oats, bran and raisins! *munch* *munch*

26 February 03
I signed an offer letter for a permanent job today. But instead of feeling happy, I feel as though I have admitted defeat.

Two months (yes, that's months; UCSF's hiring process makes evolution look speedy) ago I interviewed for a permanent position in the department where I have been temping since July. I started working that crappy temp job because IT positions were nowhere to be found, I had previous experience working at a medical center, and it paid the bills, albeit barely. I'm just never going to get another IT job - the more time that passes since my November '01 layoff, the more my skills atrophy and the more the bar for the remaining tech jobs is raised. I realized that last Fall when I made the decision to go back to school and I'm okay with that. But I'm really having a difficult time adjusting to Life As A Clerical Worker.

I don't think less of people who work clerical (or other non-glamourous) jobs. I don't want to judge people based on their position. That just leads to class stratification, which is Bad. Rather, in the past I've spent too many years doing the non-glamourous administrative stuff, and I had finally climbed out of that trench. I had paid my dues, earned better positions, and thought I was on the road to something career-like when, *whoosh*, the job market was pulled out from under me and left me sitting again in Square One. I'm thirtywhatever years old. I should be doing better for myself.

When I start thinking along those lines I have to remind myself that I'm doing something about this! I'm in school, and I'm working towards something Really Good. Plus, I'm enjoying the learning journey.

Speaking of, I got an "A" on my first English essay! Yay me! I have my first Psych test tomorrow, and I'm a little worried about that, though. I'm worried because I want to get an A, but I don't yet know what the teacher's testing style is like, and also because I'm not very good at rote memorization. So far everything we've studied in class has made sense, so I'm hoping that will count for something.

I guess I should stop procrastinating and go study some more then, eh?

9 February 03
It's Sunday evening and I haven't left home all weekend. I came home Friday night, did a load of laundry, and I haven't even opened my front door since. Nothing's wrong; it's just been so long since I've had enough time at home to do things that I think I got a little carried away. In the last 48 hours I've done reading and homework for school, gotten a lot of sleep, culled about 130 CDs from my collection to sell, gathered some rollerblades and motocross gear that I'm also going to sell, and have generally made a mess out of the apartment.

Do you ever notice that when you're in the mood to really clean house, you throw the entire place into chaos before you even begin to clean? Or is that just me?

I'm in the mood to "spring clean" and get rid of a lot of stuff. The thing is, I don't have that much stuff I want to get rid of. Actually, what I would really like is to be able to move, but I can't afford to (mmm, rent control). I've got an urge to renovate and decorate but there's not that much I can do to this place. Also, I need a place with storage.

Okay, time to get back to work.

8 February 03
I recently read The Declaration of Independence for my English class. I don't think I had ever read it before, and I was quite surprised at how much it affected me. But what really struck me is that so much of the Declaration applies to what is going on in America today. In fact, I had to keep reminding myself to not substitute "George W. Bush" for "the present King of Great Britain". If you've never read The Declaration of Independence before, or if you haven't read it recently, I suggest you take a couple of minutes to do that now. It will make you realize how much power We the People have.

Here are a few of the items which I found particularly apropos:

Paragraph two, outlining the power the population has over a despotism, "That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends [Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness], it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. ... But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

Paragraph 15, " He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation: ...
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury"
Remember, after September 11, that many people were detained and questioned simply because they fit a particular racial profile? And now the INS is requiring immigrants from certain Middle-Eastern countries to register with them. Many have extrapolated this is the first step towards internment for Muslim Americans - essentially imprisonment without trial by jury.

Paragraph 17, " He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people. "
Bush is attempting to lift the ban on oil drilling in Alaska's National Wildlife Refuge and our present legislation is decreasing environmental and pollution standards; things such as these only serve to ravage the environment.

And of course, paragraph 18, " He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation."

Now that we are aware of this information, this newfound (refound?) power, what do we do with it? If you see parallels between the American colonies of 1776 and the American states of 2003, then speak up, spread the word. Maybe you don't agree with the similarities I 've found, but you are nevertheless uncomfortable with the current state of things. In that case, you still need to speak up. Join forces with others like you - bond together for solidarity and power. If you're not sure what to do or how to do it, at least become a member of the American Civil Liberties Union.

It's funny. I'm looking back over what I've just written, and think I sound like some sort of activist. I am not patriotic or nationalistic, nor I have never considered myself a "political" person; in fact I pretty much detest the scheming for power attributed to politics in general. But I also detest watching a chimp and his cronies making monkeys of us all. I just want to be free to live out my life in peace, with the liberties we have earned as Americans.

29 January 03
I've been wanting to write more often, but haven't found the time. During the last few weeks I've been spending a lot of time with Frederick; we've had some nice dinners with Jen & David, Susan & Ash, and Angela & Jamie; and have been to wonderful parties at the Fantastic's and at Houseness.

I started school three weeks ago, and that's going quite well. This semester I'm taking English (University Comprehension & Composition), and not only is the class interesting, but I really like the teacher. She's encouraging critical reading and thinking, which I appreciate. This class should not only allow me to exercise my general writing skills, but will also help me improve my report writing skills - to develop and build on a thesis without going off on too many tangents.

I'm also taking Psych 1, and the critical thinking and analysis elements in that mesh quite well with the English class. It's an interesting topic, but the teacher's lecture style is just a little too disjointed for me to thoroughly enjoy it. All-in-all, I think I picked two good classes to ease my way back into academia, and the only thing I've really had to give up to fit them into my schedule is some time I was just wasting online. And, heh, I'm already having test-anxiety dreams - last night I dreamt I only got an 80% on a test!

Kisa is sitting on the desk next to the monitor right now, talking and watching me type. Two weeks ago I started bringing her to Frederick's on the weekends so that the three of us could spend that time together. (I really hate leaving her alone at home so much.) Much of the first weekend was spent hiding underneath the covers, but she seems to be getting more comfortable there. I tried explaining to her that the "trauma" of the car ride over was worth it so that she got to be with us, but who knows if she was listening :)

2 January 03
Three years ago today I was frolicking in a South Pacific Paradise. We were on the cusp of a new millennium, the year which had just ended had been my best one to date, and the future was so bright it was blinding. One year ago I was celebrating New Year's Eve with a bunch of friends at Danfuzz's Time Cube, and as the clock struck Midnight we all looked at one another and said, "Thank goodness *that's* over." Now it's 2003.

We're in the 21st century and not only are there no flying cars, there are no jobs and the money is all gone. My life is quite different now from what is was then, but it's certainly not worse. Sure, I've had my share of suffering and such these past few years, but I've learned a lot about myself and others, and gained a lot of knowledge and wisdom. All in all I think I'm a better person now than I was then.

Do I have any New Year's Resolutions? Nope. I don't make New Year's Resolutions, per se; I make resolutions throughout the year, as I see fit (and I usually write them in here so that they're public and I then "have to" stick to them). My current priorities are:

My relationship
Getting a better, permanent, job
Doing well in school (which starts in 1.5 weeks)

I need to add to that:

Continue to work on maintaining my friendships.

That last one is there for two reasons - first and foremost, I want people to know I still care for and think about them even if I'm spending a lot of time on Planet Boyfriend™.

Second and more somberly, I got confirmation this morning that a friend did indeed take his own life on Christmas Day. I've never had a friend die before, and I have many conflicting emotions about this. He and I had a falling out about three years ago and I haven't really talked to him since. (I suppose that only serves to make this easier on me, since we were no longer close.) When I first heard about his threat, I hoped it was just a dramatic ploy for attention. After I discovered he had killed himself I felt both sad and angry. Sad that he was gone, of course, but also very angry with him for putting his parents, his family and his friends through all this grief. There were a lot of people that loved him and he selfishly removed himself from their lives, and on Christmas Day, no less.

Is it wrong for me to be angry? Is it wrong for someone to take their own life like this, without giving their loved ones a say in the matter?

I am all for "pulling the plug" in the case of grave injury or terminal illness. In theory I should also respect one's choice to end their own life whenever they saw fit, shouldn't I? It's easier to answer that last question with a "yes" if the person in question is, say, a homeless person with no one to notice their passing. But when it's a member of your peer group? Someone with whom you've talked and laughed?

I'm very sorry that John was in enough pain to end his own life. I don't want this to happen to any of my other friends. I wonder if he would have felt any different if his friends took a moment to tell them how much they loved him and enjoyed his company? Would that have eased his pain at all?

So, to you, my friends: you are people I like and I love and I want you to be around for a long time. Please know there are a lot of people out there who feel the same way I do. Take care of yourselves. And take care of your friends.