online JOURNAL

29 September 02
I've been home with Kisa all afternoon and evening, and I'm in a little bit of an anxious mood. I think it would be good for me to just plop in front of the tv for awhile, but not only is there nothing on that grabs me, I have too much going on in my brain to let me relax much. So I've been going through and cleaning out old emails and such. (I came across a couple in particular I need to respond to but haven't, eeek. Need to deal with that soon, but I digress.)

I usually feel happy and comfortable when I'm at home, but tonight I'm just a bit antsy. Nothing bad happened, nothing like that. I just have stuff going through my head about work, relationships, yadda yadda, and a head and neck ache just to top it off. Maybe it's time for a couple of Excedrin PM and my nice, comfy pillows...

24 September 02
I have fallen in love, and it is incredible.

Rewind a few weeks, back to Wednesday night on the playa... It's somewhere around 2 or 3 in the morning and I'm with a small group of people riding bikes around the outer reaches of Black Rock City. We stop off at Illuminaughty on our way back towards camp and just happen to see Frederick hanging out there. It was cold out, and as I gave him a hug with my big furry coat to warm him up, I saw something in his eyes. Over the next couple of days, I tried to find an excuse to spend more time with him, but I was too shy (or maybe too scared) to make anything happen. Saturday night rolled around, and after hours of cleaning and setting up, the bianca party was off and running, and everyone had a chance to relax and enjoy themselves. And Frederick and I finally got a chance to spend time together talking and getting to know one another. Although we had been acquaintances for about a year, we had never spent time talking with each other.

Fast-forward to today. I am now dating the most wonderful, amazing man, and this relationship is far better than any I have ever been in before. I really don't know what else to say, other than I'm so happy I want to tell the world about it (and I guess I am right now, heh).

Wish us the best, folks :)

18 September 02
I arrived home from Burning Man a couple of Mondays ago, after a wonderful eight or nine days in the desert. It was just long enough, and I'm now glad to be home (although I'm not very happy about being back at work).

This year my Black Rock City experience was very low-key. I got a decent amount of sleep, I did quite a bit of relaxing, and I didn't wander around very much. While I know there was plenty of fun stuff out there I was missing, I'm okay with that. I did what I wanted to and that's really what matters. A few times I worried that I might have become jaded with Burning Man since it obviously cannot always have the same impact it has during one's maiden journey, but luckily those worries were dashed daily as I saw amazing creation after yet another amazing creation. After awhile you run out of adjectives and each incredible piece is met with simply "neat!", or "wow!".

It really was wonderful, being one of the first to arrive at our camp Sunday morning, a week prior to the Burn. Although Black Rock City was already much bigger than I had expected for that point in time (there may have been as many as 7000 people there already), there were vast expanses of empty space where soon there would be none. (Here is a picture of my tent taken the day we arrived, and another picture of the same area later in the week.) It was wonderful watching everything grow around us; my favourite part of the week is up until Thursday or Friday, before the "spectators" arrive.

My second-favourite night was Wednesday. It started with a small group of us taking a little trip around the playa. Sometime after midnight we were back in camp, and Alicia met up with a group of new friends, we all got on our bikes and took off into the distance. It felt so free for the group of us to be riding top speed, laughing, into the dark of the night. We rode to the rubber ducky, had a whale breach in front of us, stopped by Illuminaughty and eventually returned to the city.

By far, Saturday was the best night of this trip, and in a way, of all of my Burning Man experiences. bianca's didn't make it to the playa this year as a theme camp, but many of the bianca people were there doing their own thing, but at the same time missing the Shack. Suddenly Paul and Frederick got the idea to throw a renegade bianca party after the burn without telling anyone other than the folks who would be setting it up. So Saturday evening while everyone else was out at the Man-burning festivities, the Black Rock City Coast Guard was "hax0red"! SOMAfm contributed dj gear and a sound system, the BRCCG sign was replaced by the "bianca's" letters, and our huge army tent/shade structure became the Shack.

The Coast Guard → bianca's transformation was a perfect example of community. No fewer than five different camps pooled people and resources to create an amazing party that sprung out of nowhere to surprise and entertain the citizens of Black Rock City, and it only happened because we all worked together. As I saw this come together and watched everything happen, it hit me - Burning Man (and life in general) isn't really about having big theme camps, cool decorations or blaring sound systems. It's about creating a space for you and your friends to be comfortable and enjoy yourselves. It's not about impressing others, but rather, contributing to others. Watching my friends enjoying this Shack Hack party made me realize that all of the time and money (and sometimes frustration) I had put into our camp was worthwhile.

I have more to say about why Saturday was such a wonderful night, but I'm getting quite tired. There will be more to come soon.

23 August 02
My funky state of mind has been replaced by a fiery excitement growing within.

You might ask why I would put myself through months of work and worry just so that I can spend a lot of money to be dirty for a week? It's more than just going and camping with friends for a week; it's more than people running around in silly costumes and partying. In fact, it can be none of those things.

It's amazing to see a city grow out of nothing. Eleven-plus months out of the year, *nothing* exists on this barren alkaline surface; it is too harsh to support life, yet in complete contrast to its own desolation, a metropolis springs up. As the week begins there are a handful of structures scattered around you. Every day, every hour, more people arrive and Black Rock City swells from an outpost, to a town, and by the weekend it is the fifth-largest city in Nevada.

As your City grows, so does the energy around you. The nearer Saturday Night comes, the more electrified you become. It's a primal feeling, but not primitive - you are in touch with your own heart and soul. Saturday night the Man burns, and you can see in their eyes that people are simply *alive*. This is the intense climax to a week of lusty foreplay, the air is thick with a brilliant power like you might feel standing next to a high-voltage transformer, and you cannot escape it. Sunday evening is generally a lower-key time of reflection and winding down. By the following Monday you are left with a handful of structures, and they'll be gone soon as well.

Just being in Black Rock City means that you have contributed to its existence, as it exists as much as a frame of mind as it does on a map. However, I can't call it a vacation. It's not easy living there. Conditions are harsh. Temperatures can swing from under 40 to over 100 degrees F, winds rip by at 10, 20, 50+ miles per hour, and rainstorms can show up at any time. Add to this the fact that you need to be completely self-sufficient, and there are no amenities save for what you remembered to pack in the car. But it's that harshness that causes things to work they way they do. There is no better way to see what one is made of than to strip away all the shiny layers. Challenge yourself in order to discover yourself. Like you've heard all through childhood, difficult experiences build character, ya know?

I go to the desert and I cast off the ties that hold the real me down. I can look deep inside and see what's there, and I'm suddenly opened to others as well. I look around and realize I am surrounded by hundreds and thousands of others who are going through the same things and we are sharing the experience. And I'm doing all of this in a city that is complete with castles, towers, dragons, and so many other creations straight from someone's imagination; a fabulous city so incredible, it defies description.

This is why I go to Burning Man.

13 August 02
I feel myself slipping into a funky state of mind and I'm not sure that I want to try and stop it. I've got too many things on my mind. Too many things with which I'm not completely happy, but now is not the right time to change them.

So many times lately I've found myself thinking, "Only n more days until Burning Man, then I don't have to deal with stuff for awhile." I tend to leave my "real life" problems and concerns at home while I'm in the desert; if I can't do anything about them out there, then why should I shoulder the burden? Of course, Burning Man preparations are part of my concerns, so once I'm out there and camp is set up, then that's over and done with.

This is my fourth year attending BM, and the first year I've tried to put together my own theme camp. Having been involved with this, I now wonder how the big, extravagant camps ever get anything done? It seems like everyone wants someplace cool to camp, but so few people are willing to put in the time, effort, and money to make it happen. I am of course grateful for the people who have helped, but also realize that we could have done so much more if everyone had chosen to become involved. I'm starting now to feel like the nervous parent watching her kid onstage during their first school play - I'm afraid our camp won't be good enough. I console myself simply by knowing I gave more than I originally thought possible to this project, and with that in mind, I can do even better next time. *sigh* Well, only 12 more days until Burning Man, then I don't have to deal with stuff for awhile.

So yeah, BM "performance anxieties" are obviously bothering me, but my funky state of mind is really being spurred along by my job situation. I'm not happy there. The conditions and the job itself aren't bad at all; in fact I had a similiar job in the past. But that's the thing, I did this job a long time ago. I am overqualified, I'm not learning, I'm not challenged. And I know when I get frustrated in a job situation, then it carries over into the rest of my life and makes me feel apathetic.

12 August 02
There is this guy I like, and I'm not sure what to do.

We've spent a little bit of time together, and it seems like he likes me, but sometimes it's hard to tell. Nowadays, when a guy and girl hang out, you never know if it's "just friends" or not. Hrmpf. I'm ready for a real relationship.

3 August 02
Ah, I have a few hours here at home this afternoon to relax and work on Burning Man projects. Only 22 days left to go, so the majority of my otherwise free time will be taken up with BM-related stuff. I've already volunteered to work a few shifts as a Greeter out on the playa; I was also planning to work as a Ranger, but I sadly may have to forego that as I don't want to overextend myself and not have time to play during the week. We'll see how things are looking as the event draws closer before I make that decision.

I miss being unemployed. I've never been a "career-centric" person, meaning, my work is not my life. I enjoy not having to work a day-to-day job and instead would rather involve myself in random activities that arouse my interest. I miss being able to stay up as late as I want and still get enough sleep. I miss having time enough to both be lazy and go to the gym. *sigh*

To get through the workday I repeatedly tell myself, "This is just a temporary job." It's not necessarily a bad job, and it certainly does have its good points, the most tangible one being a paycheck. I'm also getting to be familiar with UCSF Med Center, receiving free training on their systems and learning about what sort of jobs are available there. I have realized that while I'm overqualified for the position I'm currently filling, I would certainly be able to perform my supervisor's job, if not a better one.

But all of that goes back to the question, Do I want to return the healthcare field?

Here's an interesting, yet painfully depressing, observation on the differences between working in the tech sector versus a university hospital: Working in tech, people seem to take for granted that their colleagues are intelligent and capable. You speak to a co-worker (about a work-related topic) and assume they're going to understand you. Such is not the case working in healthcare. People seem to talk down to others in job categories lower than their own. Doctors and nurses assume you don't know what they are talking about. I don't think the almost condescending attitudes are directly related to the prevalence of post-graduate degrees, but I'm not quite sure.

Well, I am still researching different career paths and thinking about what I want to do. Luckily, this job is buying me some time and I should have a few months before I am forced to move on.

30 July 02
Mmmm, beer.

22 July 02
Ah, I'm spending a nice, quiet evening at home. The first such evening in at least a week. What had become my normal lazy, day-to-day schedule was disrupted because I somehow found myself employed.

Yup, I got a job. For awhile at least.

On Wednesday, I started what was supposed to be a 1.5 week temporary medical administration position at UCSF Medical Center. About an hour into the job, my supervisor asked if I would like to stay for four months. After making sure I could get time off for my vacation in August/September, I said yes. It may not be the most complex or well-paying job, but at least it's something to pay the bills while I get back on my feet. And after getting no bites on the resumes I had sent out, this job is also helping me regain my confidence in the job market - it didn't take me long at all to realize that hey, I really am capable and qualified for a lot of good and interesting jobs.

Before I got into IT work, I worked at Stanford Medical Center. The science/biology geek in me loves being around so much medical knowledge, and I just soak it up and learn so much. And it was funny - it's been almost seven years since I left Stanford, but in terms of my medical knowledge and comfort level with working in such an atmosphere, it's like no time has passed. But that's good. And it means I know what I'm doing.

A funny thing happened in my brain during my first day on this job. All of a sudden I started giving serious thought to What I Want To Do When I Grow Up. (Yeah, yeah, I know I've just had eight (lovely, wonderful) months of unemployment during which I could have done all this thinking, but apparently it took the shock of reentering the job market to make me want to go down that path.) My thoughts are: I want a career that interests me, gives me a decent salary, and leaves room for growth. Of course my first choice would to continue in IT - there certainly plenty of things left for me to learn, but seeing as there are no actual *jobs* out there right now, well, hrmpf.

Since my real love is working with animals, of course I would love to get paid for doing something like that. But unfortunately that sort of career doesn't pay well; I probably wouldn't make enough to pay the bills for at least the first couple of years. My third and fourth choices are down the medical path. I've already got a good background in medical administration, and I can get into clinic and hospital management and things along that line. Or I could go more towards some semblance of actually practicing medicine, and work as an EMT or Paramedic.

I should probably also talk to people - other EMTs, medical center personnel, career counselor - to get more career info and to see if there are any other potential jobs that I haven't thought about.

14 July 02
Meet my new boyfriend .

13 July 02
What a nice, lazy day I'm having. I've done some things around the house, watched my first Netflix movie in a month (it's so nice to be able to keep their movies as long as you want), and even took a nap. It's funny, I've been so busy lately that I started feeling a little bit guilty about my slothfulness until I realized that it's a Saturday and I deserve to enjoy it however I wish :)

9 July 02
I woke up yesterday and decided that I needed to finish painting my kitchen, so I did. I find painting to be both soothing and cathartic, and after the miserable time I had the previous night, that was exactly what I needed. A while ago I repainted my kitchen, with the exception of the small pantry area which I had never gotten around to doing. Now, three or four years later, it's finally finished (and quite nice looking, I might add). Once everything has had a chance to thoroughly dry, I'll put all the stuff back on the shelves. In the meantime, it's quite a mess :)

Oh, I finally got my scanner working on my new computer! Check out the pictures I took while working at the zoo.

7 July 02
I am so glad to be home.

Thursday and tonight I tended the coatcheck booth at a nightclub both to help out a friend's busy schedule, and to get some extra cash. I'm not sure if I've ever had such a miserable, low-paying job in my life - it has made me feel completely unhappy and degraded. While extra money is good, it's not like I need money enough to do a job that I don't like, and I think that's why I feel degraded. Like I've sold myself to the lowest bidder or something. I need to get this bad taste out of my mouth.

5 July 02
What a busy week! Since I last posted I've been constantly on the go, and for the most part that's been good. A couple get-togethers in particular have left me with warm fuzzies - last Saturday night Mike and Maggie invited a group of friends over for their housewarming party. Some of the people I already knew - Winnie, Kristen, Melissa & Aaron, Dan, Olga & Mike, Raphael, Darb - while others I had met briefly or not at all prior to that night, but everyone was wonderful and we had such a great time hanging out. Tuesday evening I made a big leg of lamb dinner and had Winnie, Kristen, Aneel, Will, Murray and his friend Ralph over to help me eat everything. We somehow went through about five bottles of wine during the course of the evening! I've got some wonderful friends and I am really glad to have them around :)

I've also been putting in quite a few hours helping Barry & Casey, and will be putting in a couple of evenings working coatcheck down at the DNA. Maybe it's not glamorous, but hey, I need the money and it beats sitting at home not earning any. The job pickings seem pretty scant right now; let's just hope I start getting some temp positions once this holiday weekend is over.

Sunday is set aside as a day for me to stay home alone, rest, and regain my sanity. As much as I like keeping busy and being social, I get extremely grumpy if I don't occasionally have time to myself.